Friday, February 02, 2007
Has it really been that long?
I went back to work the first week in December. It's been good to be making money, but bad to not have any time for anything. I work there 4 days a week (getting home just before 9:00) and then do my cleaning gigs on Fridays and every other Saturday. I don't have time to follow up with the doctor about the arthritis in my hands, or the numbness in my feet, or anything else. I still don't have therapy, and right now I am really feeling the need for it. I haven't had time or energy to go to the gym in weeks. I am losing weight, but that could be because of loss of muscle. I'm not sure. I keep up with a bit less household stuff- like, I never go foodshopping anymore, because I don't have time. I think I am cleaning about the same amount.
I saw my psychiatrist this week, and she said I should be following up on my physical problems with my "primary care"-type doctor. I wish that she would recognize that my PMS is worse than most people's- I wonder if I have PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder, i think it's called).
Right now I am so freaked out with anxiety about the job that I don't even want to go back there. There are two people who are total jerks, and I just don't want to be around them. One rubbed me the wrong way from the first time I saw him at orientation. He's a louder, more impulsive version of me, but because he's a guy, it seems, and as he's an old friend of one of the owners, he's there to stay. Even if he picks arguments with the other owner's brother. He's the lowest-level manager. The other one, well, I thought he was ok, if a bit dumb, and even a bit attractive, when we first started. But he gets angry sometimes, and generally he's not very nice, and he will rat you out to the bosses for the least little thing. He's creepy, and I just don't feel comfortable (or safe) being around him. Also, I was right, he's not so bright, but he does try to act like he is-- pretty sad. I met him when we were both there for our interviews. I asked him what job he was applying for, and he told me the title. I asked him what that job was (ie, what it would entail), since that title has a certain meaning with a certain kind of organization. He told me-- and he was wrong. The job that he got is a totally different kind of job, and I think he is a bit resentful, and that that is possibly why he is such a prick. His not having gotten the job he wanted shouldn't be my problem!
This week, we got an email about a certain aspect of how we communicate amongst the staff - sounding positive when we do it. And I was like, huh. I figured it was about the first guy up above. Nope. It was about me. I got pulled aside a few hours later. Why didn't I ask what it was that I had allegedly said? I did say, when he didn't offer any examples, that maybe the way that I over-enunciate certain people's names sounds weird? (there are 3 people whose names sound similar, and if i don't over-enunciate, as happened yesterday, they can't tell whose name i am saying). Fuck this shit, it makes me feel like I can't do anything right. My hunny has said at times that I don't take criticism very well. Well, it's even worse when I feel that the criticism is misplaced. Misdirected. I don't want to be around that.
There is a third person who I work with closer than the two up above, and he left an anti-woman statement on my computer once when he was covering me during my lunch break. We have dealt with that, although I don't know what exactly they did as a long-term punishment for him.
There are other things that I don't like, like how there's no paid sick time off, and how people (including me) will just come into work sick even though we work with people who have compromised immune systems, and how there's no supervision at all in the area I work in (which is why the 2nd guy up above takes it on himself to rat people out all the time). The two reasons above are also partly why the 3rd guy was so frustrated on the day he wrote that bad thing... I also don't like how there are no female managers. And I hate to sound like a total egotist, but I am way underutilized there, and I don't like that. I got one idea development project once, and then I noticed that the 3rd guy was working on it this week without me. (I am an experienced organizer, and this was about an organizing campaign) And there's more, but I'm not going to go into it right now. Also, it's heartbreaking to hear people talk about gardening, the indoor kind, when I just can't do that, and I can't do outdoor gardening due to the need for a secure place to do it. One that's not used as a bathroom.
I wonder if I will feel much more positive about the whole thing on Monday or once I get my period. But I really think that it is best for me to just quit. It's too uncomfortable in too many ways. It's not a "good fit," and I want to leave before it gets worse.
The only 3 things that the job has going for it are that it pays, the kind of business that it is, and the employee discount.
But I don't like to be sitting around on a Friday night, having an anxiety attack worrying about what else i may or may not have done wrong- what new ways of getting into trouble will crop up this week?
I know that I should really get another job right away, but I need to deal with some of my health issues first.
email me at haydees@gmail.com
I saw my psychiatrist this week, and she said I should be following up on my physical problems with my "primary care"-type doctor. I wish that she would recognize that my PMS is worse than most people's- I wonder if I have PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder, i think it's called).
Right now I am so freaked out with anxiety about the job that I don't even want to go back there. There are two people who are total jerks, and I just don't want to be around them. One rubbed me the wrong way from the first time I saw him at orientation. He's a louder, more impulsive version of me, but because he's a guy, it seems, and as he's an old friend of one of the owners, he's there to stay. Even if he picks arguments with the other owner's brother. He's the lowest-level manager. The other one, well, I thought he was ok, if a bit dumb, and even a bit attractive, when we first started. But he gets angry sometimes, and generally he's not very nice, and he will rat you out to the bosses for the least little thing. He's creepy, and I just don't feel comfortable (or safe) being around him. Also, I was right, he's not so bright, but he does try to act like he is-- pretty sad. I met him when we were both there for our interviews. I asked him what job he was applying for, and he told me the title. I asked him what that job was (ie, what it would entail), since that title has a certain meaning with a certain kind of organization. He told me-- and he was wrong. The job that he got is a totally different kind of job, and I think he is a bit resentful, and that that is possibly why he is such a prick. His not having gotten the job he wanted shouldn't be my problem!
This week, we got an email about a certain aspect of how we communicate amongst the staff - sounding positive when we do it. And I was like, huh. I figured it was about the first guy up above. Nope. It was about me. I got pulled aside a few hours later. Why didn't I ask what it was that I had allegedly said? I did say, when he didn't offer any examples, that maybe the way that I over-enunciate certain people's names sounds weird? (there are 3 people whose names sound similar, and if i don't over-enunciate, as happened yesterday, they can't tell whose name i am saying). Fuck this shit, it makes me feel like I can't do anything right. My hunny has said at times that I don't take criticism very well. Well, it's even worse when I feel that the criticism is misplaced. Misdirected. I don't want to be around that.
There is a third person who I work with closer than the two up above, and he left an anti-woman statement on my computer once when he was covering me during my lunch break. We have dealt with that, although I don't know what exactly they did as a long-term punishment for him.
There are other things that I don't like, like how there's no paid sick time off, and how people (including me) will just come into work sick even though we work with people who have compromised immune systems, and how there's no supervision at all in the area I work in (which is why the 2nd guy up above takes it on himself to rat people out all the time). The two reasons above are also partly why the 3rd guy was so frustrated on the day he wrote that bad thing... I also don't like how there are no female managers. And I hate to sound like a total egotist, but I am way underutilized there, and I don't like that. I got one idea development project once, and then I noticed that the 3rd guy was working on it this week without me. (I am an experienced organizer, and this was about an organizing campaign) And there's more, but I'm not going to go into it right now. Also, it's heartbreaking to hear people talk about gardening, the indoor kind, when I just can't do that, and I can't do outdoor gardening due to the need for a secure place to do it. One that's not used as a bathroom.
I wonder if I will feel much more positive about the whole thing on Monday or once I get my period. But I really think that it is best for me to just quit. It's too uncomfortable in too many ways. It's not a "good fit," and I want to leave before it gets worse.
The only 3 things that the job has going for it are that it pays, the kind of business that it is, and the employee discount.
But I don't like to be sitting around on a Friday night, having an anxiety attack worrying about what else i may or may not have done wrong- what new ways of getting into trouble will crop up this week?
I know that I should really get another job right away, but I need to deal with some of my health issues first.
email me at haydees@gmail.com
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