Friday, February 09, 2007
What to do when you find out your partner is attracted to psychos?
So my hunnybunch got a phone call last Saturday evening. I had been taking a nap, and at about 8, I was awoken by the sound of him talking on the phone. It turns out that his ex, "Nicole," killed herself. But it was all very unclear to him, because the person who told him was her sister, and she sounds just like Nicole. And I called her back and asked her to save Nicole's movies for hunny (she had studied filmmaking in college), and the sister was like, "you mean her films?!" - the way that a filmmaker would have corrected a layperson, you know? So that was really sketchy, and I had to get to a point in my thinking where I was like, well, even if she is alive, you will never see her again, cuz if she shows up at my door, I will be like, "stay the fuck away from him. You will never hurt him again," or something. He's been crying all week, and I keep saying that maybe he should talk with a therapist who can help him to pull everything about her together and put it into the right place or whatever. (read on) He's like, "but I've been talking to her ex, C, and to her mother." Both of them are crazy, so he is helping them more than they are helping him. Someone's got to help him.
Nicole had MS and depression and I think that she at least had borderline personality disorder, if not something else. Here's a bit of info about her: hunny met her in a bar. He was 23, she lied about her age (said she was like 22 and a college student) and was a 17 year-old in the foster care system (in some weird program where she lived in an apt. with another foster system teen in another town and managed to go to Berkeley High). So, when the kid tells you her real age, you turn around and run, because 1. sex with her is illegal, and especially: 2. liars suck -- right? Well, he didn't.
They stayed together for a few years, during which time she finished high school, convinced/made him go back to college, and got him into dressing in drag. Sometimes they would go to places like the Power Exchange and perform public sex acts (not necessarily togehter). At some point, she went to Europe as part of some arts program. She supposedly met some Count or something and he asked her to marry him or come back and travel with him or some shit. She didn't hear from him for 6 months or a year, and it turned out that he had been imprisoned due to pedophilia or something. She and hunny did things like go to art movies together.
At some point, she moved to New Mexico to go to college. I remember that he went to visit her once, and apparently that was because she was having her first MS episode (not diagnosable the first time, thus very scary for the patient), at like age 23 or 24. He came back with a really good haircut (that she "made" him get), and a denim jacket (hello, the 80's ended a while ago?! but he looks cute in it). She eventually finished school, after things like her house burning down, living with a crack addict, and living in homeless shelters.
He has told me some stories about her, like that the reason she and her sis were put into the foster care system when she was 12 was that they had stolen and crashed her mother's car. He once had a threesome with her and this dude M, who was her ex-bf, because she was bored one night and they drove an hour to where he lived. He told me last week that she and M had hooked up in a mental institution (she had tried to kill someone, he was despondent over an ex-gf) when she was like 13 and he was 17. She and her sister had done things like take a crowbar to the car of someone they thought was driving erratically. Her sister has like 3 kids, and apparently the sister didn't want her to meet them (scared). She once drove with an ex-bf who wouldn't give up on her on the windshield of her car. She dated women for a while, because she was sick of all the problems with men.
She came to visit once, I think 2.5 months before we got together. I remember that he, she, and L. had come over cuz there was some fiasco about their holiday party at R's. so I remember that I was like their 2nd choice for what to do that holiday night. L was in the other room on the phone with R, threatening to kill herself, and N. was in a horrible mood. I was making lentil soup, so I fed her some, and she calmed right down. He says that that night was when he realized that he wanted to go out with me. (I can be quite helpful to people who are having mental crises, as long as I am not having one at the time)
She and he stayed in touch over the years- usually she would need money, or at least money put on the phone card. Since her diagnosis and getting disability $, she seemed to be doing better, tho she did still have fucked up relationships, and awkward friendships with older men who always turned out to be attracted to her (duh!). She had started going to AA, on the advice of one of these older men, who, I was recently told, was a bartender. For a long time, hunny had been like, she's not an alcoholic, but maybe she was. For a person as messed up as her, AA is not the best place to meet stable people. That's what I said all along.
The last time she was in town, a few years ago, she had him drive her to Martinez, where she confronted her mother in some horrible ways-- she said a lot of awful (and some wrong, from what I recall) things. She told her mother that she would be leaving town with her father, who had been a drunk and a perv or something. She said that if she didn't call in 48 hours or a week or something, her mother should report her missing. Well, she didn't call, so her mother called the police. Nicole eventually got freaked out or pissed off or something by her dad and returned to her life in Santa Fe or wherever she was living at the time.
In the last few months, N started calling more. She would call at like 10 or 11 at night, and hunny would talk to her without complaining about how it was past his bedtime- she was sort of like his little sister at this point. One night she called and said that she needed money for a lawyer, because she and her bf had gotten charged with some $400 (?) felony theft in a Sam's Club parking lot. (We found out this week that she had called him to come pick her up there, then came running out of the store with a stolen keyboard.) She was in jail for like 4 days, and when she came out, the bf had a restraining order against her (?) and was living in her apt. (?). She tried to get a restraining order on him, and once asked hunny to snoop on the guy's bank and cell phone accounts. In what world is it ok to do that?
Apparently she recently told hunny things like, she was going to a church, she had bought a gun, and she had changed her name to "Violet." Apparently the whole name change thing was to try to distance herself from what had happened with the last boyfriend. [she also exhibited a weird pattern of trying to create a whole new life for herself, even if she could only live it part-time, from time to time.) So there was a woman who she would go out to tea with, and the woman didn't know anything about her real life (she only knew Violet). This kind of thing made it very hard for her relatives to find out anything about her last few months.] She had also said that she was going to kill herself to make the ex feel bad. The last time he talked to her, she had said that, then said that she heard a noise downstairs. She hung up, and he might have been the last person to talk to her.
She was found dead by her landlord 1-3 days after she shot herself in the heart in her bathtub. Gruesome, but easier to clean up, no?
Her mother had to be the one to go deal with her stuff-- if she was so estranged from her family, how is it that her mother and sister were notified when she died? I think hunny is really upset that he wasn't the one who was notified. I am concerned that on some level, he blames himself for not reading the signs of an impending suicide. I am more like, whatever, the world is better off, and she saved herself years of suffering.
Tonight, Nicole's ex-bf C called after 10:00. I was so mad, because hunny had been falling asleep on the couch, and he doesn't have the boundaries needed to be like, "sure, I'd like to talk with you, but please call at a more decent hour, such as before 9pm." He's the dude who had been on nicole's windshield. The three of them had also had a threesome at some point. The guy is married now, so in my mind at least, he should have moved on from Nicole a bit.
So at this point, I am just so over this whole thing. I was like, "tell him that you were sleeping, and that you'll talk with him another time!" And hunny tells the dude what I said (while I am doing things like hanging up his raincoat so it will dry in the air instead of mold on the carpet, and picking up his clothes so he doesn't trip over them), and they talk about how what I said reminds them of Nicole. I guess I could have said it nicer or something, but someone's got to have some cojones and take care of hunny, cuz he's not about to do it himself. We talked about this after he got off the phone, and in the end, I left the room crying. The last fucking thing I want is to be compared to Nicole, even if he says things like "but I loved her, and I love you!" he did actually say that. And I let him survive.
I do not want to be put into the same category as someone like that. At all. here's where the borderline comes in and I say things like, well, I will just walk away from this relationship. (1. I do n't want to be like her in any way, so if I am acting at all like her, I need to be removed from any situations that might make me act like her) and 2. I am so disgusted that he would have been with someone so... so evil, and then with me-- am I that bad a person? That creepy? That crazy?
And to hunny, "Grow a pair!"
email me at haydees@gmail.com
Nicole had MS and depression and I think that she at least had borderline personality disorder, if not something else. Here's a bit of info about her: hunny met her in a bar. He was 23, she lied about her age (said she was like 22 and a college student) and was a 17 year-old in the foster care system (in some weird program where she lived in an apt. with another foster system teen in another town and managed to go to Berkeley High). So, when the kid tells you her real age, you turn around and run, because 1. sex with her is illegal, and especially: 2. liars suck -- right? Well, he didn't.
They stayed together for a few years, during which time she finished high school, convinced/made him go back to college, and got him into dressing in drag. Sometimes they would go to places like the Power Exchange and perform public sex acts (not necessarily togehter). At some point, she went to Europe as part of some arts program. She supposedly met some Count or something and he asked her to marry him or come back and travel with him or some shit. She didn't hear from him for 6 months or a year, and it turned out that he had been imprisoned due to pedophilia or something. She and hunny did things like go to art movies together.
At some point, she moved to New Mexico to go to college. I remember that he went to visit her once, and apparently that was because she was having her first MS episode (not diagnosable the first time, thus very scary for the patient), at like age 23 or 24. He came back with a really good haircut (that she "made" him get), and a denim jacket (hello, the 80's ended a while ago?! but he looks cute in it). She eventually finished school, after things like her house burning down, living with a crack addict, and living in homeless shelters.
He has told me some stories about her, like that the reason she and her sis were put into the foster care system when she was 12 was that they had stolen and crashed her mother's car. He once had a threesome with her and this dude M, who was her ex-bf, because she was bored one night and they drove an hour to where he lived. He told me last week that she and M had hooked up in a mental institution (she had tried to kill someone, he was despondent over an ex-gf) when she was like 13 and he was 17. She and her sister had done things like take a crowbar to the car of someone they thought was driving erratically. Her sister has like 3 kids, and apparently the sister didn't want her to meet them (scared). She once drove with an ex-bf who wouldn't give up on her on the windshield of her car. She dated women for a while, because she was sick of all the problems with men.
She came to visit once, I think 2.5 months before we got together. I remember that he, she, and L. had come over cuz there was some fiasco about their holiday party at R's. so I remember that I was like their 2nd choice for what to do that holiday night. L was in the other room on the phone with R, threatening to kill herself, and N. was in a horrible mood. I was making lentil soup, so I fed her some, and she calmed right down. He says that that night was when he realized that he wanted to go out with me. (I can be quite helpful to people who are having mental crises, as long as I am not having one at the time)
She and he stayed in touch over the years- usually she would need money, or at least money put on the phone card. Since her diagnosis and getting disability $, she seemed to be doing better, tho she did still have fucked up relationships, and awkward friendships with older men who always turned out to be attracted to her (duh!). She had started going to AA, on the advice of one of these older men, who, I was recently told, was a bartender. For a long time, hunny had been like, she's not an alcoholic, but maybe she was. For a person as messed up as her, AA is not the best place to meet stable people. That's what I said all along.
The last time she was in town, a few years ago, she had him drive her to Martinez, where she confronted her mother in some horrible ways-- she said a lot of awful (and some wrong, from what I recall) things. She told her mother that she would be leaving town with her father, who had been a drunk and a perv or something. She said that if she didn't call in 48 hours or a week or something, her mother should report her missing. Well, she didn't call, so her mother called the police. Nicole eventually got freaked out or pissed off or something by her dad and returned to her life in Santa Fe or wherever she was living at the time.
In the last few months, N started calling more. She would call at like 10 or 11 at night, and hunny would talk to her without complaining about how it was past his bedtime- she was sort of like his little sister at this point. One night she called and said that she needed money for a lawyer, because she and her bf had gotten charged with some $400 (?) felony theft in a Sam's Club parking lot. (We found out this week that she had called him to come pick her up there, then came running out of the store with a stolen keyboard.) She was in jail for like 4 days, and when she came out, the bf had a restraining order against her (?) and was living in her apt. (?). She tried to get a restraining order on him, and once asked hunny to snoop on the guy's bank and cell phone accounts. In what world is it ok to do that?
Apparently she recently told hunny things like, she was going to a church, she had bought a gun, and she had changed her name to "Violet." Apparently the whole name change thing was to try to distance herself from what had happened with the last boyfriend. [she also exhibited a weird pattern of trying to create a whole new life for herself, even if she could only live it part-time, from time to time.) So there was a woman who she would go out to tea with, and the woman didn't know anything about her real life (she only knew Violet). This kind of thing made it very hard for her relatives to find out anything about her last few months.] She had also said that she was going to kill herself to make the ex feel bad. The last time he talked to her, she had said that, then said that she heard a noise downstairs. She hung up, and he might have been the last person to talk to her.
She was found dead by her landlord 1-3 days after she shot herself in the heart in her bathtub. Gruesome, but easier to clean up, no?
Her mother had to be the one to go deal with her stuff-- if she was so estranged from her family, how is it that her mother and sister were notified when she died? I think hunny is really upset that he wasn't the one who was notified. I am concerned that on some level, he blames himself for not reading the signs of an impending suicide. I am more like, whatever, the world is better off, and she saved herself years of suffering.
Tonight, Nicole's ex-bf C called after 10:00. I was so mad, because hunny had been falling asleep on the couch, and he doesn't have the boundaries needed to be like, "sure, I'd like to talk with you, but please call at a more decent hour, such as before 9pm." He's the dude who had been on nicole's windshield. The three of them had also had a threesome at some point. The guy is married now, so in my mind at least, he should have moved on from Nicole a bit.
So at this point, I am just so over this whole thing. I was like, "tell him that you were sleeping, and that you'll talk with him another time!" And hunny tells the dude what I said (while I am doing things like hanging up his raincoat so it will dry in the air instead of mold on the carpet, and picking up his clothes so he doesn't trip over them), and they talk about how what I said reminds them of Nicole. I guess I could have said it nicer or something, but someone's got to have some cojones and take care of hunny, cuz he's not about to do it himself. We talked about this after he got off the phone, and in the end, I left the room crying. The last fucking thing I want is to be compared to Nicole, even if he says things like "but I loved her, and I love you!" he did actually say that. And I let him survive.
I do not want to be put into the same category as someone like that. At all. here's where the borderline comes in and I say things like, well, I will just walk away from this relationship. (1. I do n't want to be like her in any way, so if I am acting at all like her, I need to be removed from any situations that might make me act like her) and 2. I am so disgusted that he would have been with someone so... so evil, and then with me-- am I that bad a person? That creepy? That crazy?
And to hunny, "Grow a pair!"
email me at haydees@gmail.com
