Haydee's Blog

fortunately, i only have borderline "traits," and am not as scary a person as this website makes people with borderline personality disorder out to be.

For instance, :

Frequent interpersonal conflict, unstable, stormy relationships. Black-White thinking. Difficulty seeing the gray in situations or compromising.

well, i have that

but

•	Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, going in extremes to keep someone from leaving (In extremes, "stalking")

i don't have that. in fact, this has been a source of argument between me and mr pookie. I would, say, email him something, call him, then maybe call him a few days after that. Then I would give up. This motherfucker would be like, well, you have to keep calling! And I'd be like, no, if you didn't call me back, I have to accept that you didn't want to call me back, and try to move on. And instead, he'd always call (twice we have not spoken for a month at a time!) and try to act like everything was normal. Things can and do change in that amount of time! Come on! I've worked through feelings of rejection and whatnot, and then he's acting like everything is normal.

read more:

WHAT IS PERSONALITY DISORDER? Personality includes those aspects of a person's thinking, moods and behavior which affect his or her relationship with others. Differences in personality style (traits) add color and variety to relationships but may become too extreme, inflexible or maladaptive. These traits can significantly impair a person's ability to function. When a person is not able to deal with people or problems constructively or not able to adapt to changing demands of the environment, he or she is said to have a Personality Disorder. WHAT IS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER? BPD is a disorder in which a person is unable to regulate emotions or control impulses. Their behavior can be seen as maladaptive methods of coping with constant emotional pain. The DSM IV, which is a manual used by psychiatrists to diagnose all mental disorders, describes BPD as an AXIS 11 disorder of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation including at least five of the following (See Gray Box Below): HOW COMMON IS BPD? BPD is estimated to affect 2-3% of the general population, 11% of the patients seen in outpatient clinics and as many as 20% of the hospitalized psychiatric patients (inpatients). About 8-10% of people with this disorder die by suicide. BPD worsens the outcome and complicates the treatment of any other co?occurring (comorbid) disorder such as Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression), Eating Disorders and Substance Abuse. BPD, difficult to diagnose, is often misdiagnosed as schizotypal or schizo-affective disorder, depression, bipolar disorder or anti-social personality disorder. BPD plays a major role in many issues of public health such as substance abuse, domestic violence, gambling shop lifting, sex addiction, AIDS, homelessness, child abuse, and adult and adolescent suicides. A significant number of people with BPD can be found in forensic settings (such as prisons or jails). Those with BPD are heavy users of mental health services because of frequent hospitalizations and emergency room visits due to suicide attempts. Persons with BPD are difficult to treat, frustrate clinicians and are the "Grand Repeaters" in the mental health system.

For Brochure Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder Call 1-888-4-TARA APD

• Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, going in extremes to keep someone from leaving (In extremes, "stalking") • Frequent interpersonal conflict, unstable, stormy relationships. Black-White thinking. Difficulty seeing the gray in situations or compromising. • Unstable self image, shifting from feeling confident about who you are to feeling like you are evil or don't exist. • Self-damaging, impulsive behavior such as substance abuse, binge eating, anorexia-bulimia, reckless spending, gambling, reckless driving (road rage) or behaviors that can lead to serious consequences. • Frequent suicidal thoughts, threats or attempts, or self hurting, self-mutilating behavior such as cutting or burning. • Intense emotional instability, rapid changing short term moods and anxiety. • Chronic feelings of emptiness, sadness, or depression. • Intense inappropriate anger that may lead to physical fights or destruction of property (e.g. domestic violence). • Stress related dissociative symptoms such as paranoia; feeling as though they are losing touch with reality; feeling victimized; unable to accept responsibility. • BPD is extremely painful to the patients, to those who live with them and to society. People with BPD experience emotions intensely and are very vulnerable. They are among the most intensive and extensive utilizers of mental health services.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE DEVELOP BPD? Latest research indicates that BPD is a biologically based disorder of the emotional regulation system which may be due to genetic, the environment or a combination of these two factors. These biological "vulnerabilities" may place a person at increased risk for developing BPD given certain developmental factors such as prenatal stresses, infections, nutritional deficits or stressful events in the early family environment Other family members may often have BPD, Major Depression, Bipolar Illness, or problems with addiction. Serotonin, a chemical messenger (neurotransmitter) in the brain, is important in regulating mood and aggressive, impulsive, and suicidal behavior. Abnormal brain serotonin function appears to be related to a diminished ability to control one's impulses and to a heightened risk for attempting suicide. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain, is involved in regulating awareness of the environment and other higher information processing tasks. Abnormal brain dopamine function may be involved in difficulties in relating to other people, social isolation and sometimes in distorted perceptions of the world. HOW IS BPD TREATED? Medications may reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, irritability, and paranoid thoughts. A single "one-size-fits-all" medication for BPD does not exist yet. Symptom relief can be obtained when medication is closely monitored as BPD symptoms may constantly change. Recent research studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of individual cognitive behavioral therapy along with group psychoeducation and skills training that teach emotional regulation skills, distress tolerance, improved interpersonal relationship behaviors and awareness (mindfulness). This, combined with careful medication management, may allow the patient to achieve significant progress. When taught skills to regulate their emotions and tolerate distress, people with BPD can do better. Traditional psychotherapy, a long term process, may have uncertain results.

It is imperative that the person with BPD be motivated to change life long ways of behaving and be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings during treatment where new problem solving and communication skills are taught. Appropriate treatment methods with a proven outcome studies should be utilized.

WHY IS BPD SO STIGMATIZED?

Patients with BPD are currently the most stigmatized in the mental health system. Many clinictians will not treat BPD patients. According to Dr. Joel Dvoskin former Comm. of the New York State Office Of Mental Health, "Why would psychiatry and psychology turn so viciously against people they call mentally disordered? Apparently the greatest sin a client can commit is poor response to treatment. What is apparently so wrong about these unfortunate souls is that they have yet to demonstrate the ability to get better in response to our treatment. Thus, they don't make us feel very good. With a few notable exceptions, we have simply given up on helping people who desperately need us to do a better job of helping them"(CAMI Journal on BPD, Vol 8)

WHAT FAMILIES CAN DO TO HELP

Recognizing signs and symptoms is not always easy. Sometimes symptoms can go unnoticed or are misunderstood. Persons with BPD may often be thought of as manipulative or as attention-seeking. They can sometimes "act as if" they are okay. People with BPD need validation and acknowledgement of the pain they struggle to live with as well as compassion without blame or judgements. Always take suicidal statements and threats seriously. Alert a mental health professional as soon as possible. The value of education for family members cannot be stressed enough. Families need to learn all they can about BPD so that they can advocate for appropriate treatment for their loved ones. Informed families are then better able to deal with the stigma often encountered from mental health professionals.

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fortunately, i never feel empty- there are too many things to think about (feel bad about) or do (work on website, wash dishes, pick at skin) to feel empty. and i am always too depressed to make concrete plans about dying. in fact, as a person who has anxiety, i worry too much about dying-- like, before crossing the street i repeatedly check over my shoulder in several directions to make sure that some jerk's not going to run me over.

Kaiser says, "if anxiety is severe, you may have feelings of helplessness, confusion, and extreme worry that are out of proportion with the actual seriousness or likelihood of the feared event. Anxiety that becomes overwhelming and interferes with daily life is not normal. This type of anxiety may be a symptom of another problem, such as depression." (http://members.kaiserpermanente.org/kpweb/healthency.do?hwid=anxty)



email me at haydees@gmail.com

Hm, I'm kind of sad this week. I had to leave a perfectly good time with my friends, doing lots of great work, and come home to take care of hunnybunch, who had a sore back. Well, I've been so miserable to be here that I haven't gotten much done all week. I've taken some rad naps. Only 2 friends called me on my birthday, and one was by accident (they just happened to call cuz they had just gotten back to town). And the other person who called has OCD, so of course he would remember my birthday.

It's not just being here that is making me sad. I also have PMS, and that greatly reduces my ability to deal with anything at all. So when two of the friends that I'm most excited about and most used to spending time with and talking to every day don't call or email for 4 days, yeah, I feel abandoned or whatever. Or at least sad and bitter. When a friend mentioned that she had heard from them today, I got really pissed, and was like, so he does like you better. Whatever. I don't want to say or think things like that. Who cares-- you have a different relationship with each person, you know? But why won't they call me or write to me? My crazy communist friends would say something about "priorities" (ie, this reflects how i'm not one for them). Something to ponder. Esp. since I have been planning on putting all my eggs in one basket and moving out there.

So anyhow, at least after 4 days here i finally got to the gym. well, i had a nice walk last night. That's two kinds of exercise this week. I've also been sorting thru some papers, but hunny just thinks it all looks like a big mess.

Hunny and I have been doing a lot of relationship processing this week- if I move away, what happens to us? I love him, and I love being with him, but I cannot stay here. I just can't.

I am having trouble understanding how much money I've got coming to me from work. that is stressing me out.

email me at haydees@gmail.com