Monday, April 19, 2004
Belonging and gender...
I have been meaning to write something about belonging for a while. I have always felt like I didn't belong. I grew up a protestant tomboy in a catholic area. I even went to catholic school ("for a better education," my parents said) for four years. I went to a jewish university. Damn, was it hard to get laid there. How odd that now, partner now is of jewish descent.
Something that has been bothering me lately:
Gender.
There is a new women's group in the scene that I am in. Why wasn't I invited to it? Some of my friends sometimes make reference to it in passing. My feelings are really hurt over this, and I don't know how to tell people.
I mean, I know I am not a "woman" like the other women are. I am female. I am boyish looking, but with all this weight I've gained I am not unfeminine. I even act girlish a lot of the time. Or a bit femmey. Some people a few years ago described me as "femmey-butch." I don't worry very much about my appearance- no tattoos, makeup, or skin-tight clothes. I guess I am probably as body image-conscious as the next chick. I face a lot of the same issues they do- menstruation, thoughts about being a parent someday, trying to find a good lube that doesn't fuck up my pussy's ph, etc. I am the most active journalist around women's issues who is working on the news website I work on.
But I am not one of them.
I don't fit in with the transgender scene, either. I am not going to transition to male, at least not until after I have kids. I have always felt a lot of anger about the body that I was given, from the boobs being in the way, to a variety of health problems, but I don't really think cutting the boobs off and stopping my periods with testosterone would help very much. Or then again...? I think a lot of my hatred of my body comes from society's hatred of bodies like mine- you are not supposed to be fat or hairy or sick. Maybe I have been socialized to not feel complete until I am a parent...my mother has told me that I crawled around with a baby doll before I even learned to walk. (I started babysitting on my own when I was 12 but had been sitting with adults before that, and I still love babies.)
I don't mind anymore when people mistake me for male, and in fact, I once wore a suit I called my heartbreaker (my then-ex-girlfriend cried when she saw how hot I was in a men's suit with my hair all slicked back and a cross around my neck, "italian boy"-style). I don't think I need for people to always see me as male. But I have given this a lot of thought, sometimes, over the years, and I don't think I am a guy. I'm just, as tkat said today, "not a woman."
I'm not one of them. But what am I?
don't email me at haydee_santamaria@hotmail.com cuz i can't figure out the password.
I have been meaning to write something about belonging for a while. I have always felt like I didn't belong. I grew up a protestant tomboy in a catholic area. I even went to catholic school ("for a better education," my parents said) for four years. I went to a jewish university. Damn, was it hard to get laid there. How odd that now, partner now is of jewish descent.
Something that has been bothering me lately:
Gender.
There is a new women's group in the scene that I am in. Why wasn't I invited to it? Some of my friends sometimes make reference to it in passing. My feelings are really hurt over this, and I don't know how to tell people.
I mean, I know I am not a "woman" like the other women are. I am female. I am boyish looking, but with all this weight I've gained I am not unfeminine. I even act girlish a lot of the time. Or a bit femmey. Some people a few years ago described me as "femmey-butch." I don't worry very much about my appearance- no tattoos, makeup, or skin-tight clothes. I guess I am probably as body image-conscious as the next chick. I face a lot of the same issues they do- menstruation, thoughts about being a parent someday, trying to find a good lube that doesn't fuck up my pussy's ph, etc. I am the most active journalist around women's issues who is working on the news website I work on.
But I am not one of them.
I don't fit in with the transgender scene, either. I am not going to transition to male, at least not until after I have kids. I have always felt a lot of anger about the body that I was given, from the boobs being in the way, to a variety of health problems, but I don't really think cutting the boobs off and stopping my periods with testosterone would help very much. Or then again...? I think a lot of my hatred of my body comes from society's hatred of bodies like mine- you are not supposed to be fat or hairy or sick. Maybe I have been socialized to not feel complete until I am a parent...my mother has told me that I crawled around with a baby doll before I even learned to walk. (I started babysitting on my own when I was 12 but had been sitting with adults before that, and I still love babies.)
I don't mind anymore when people mistake me for male, and in fact, I once wore a suit I called my heartbreaker (my then-ex-girlfriend cried when she saw how hot I was in a men's suit with my hair all slicked back and a cross around my neck, "italian boy"-style). I don't think I need for people to always see me as male. But I have given this a lot of thought, sometimes, over the years, and I don't think I am a guy. I'm just, as tkat said today, "not a woman."
I'm not one of them. But what am I?
don't email me at haydee_santamaria@hotmail.com cuz i can't figure out the password.
