Saturday, June 04, 2005
You can never go back...
Oh, my god, I can't believe that CM (or, his nom de plume, U) moved back to the central valley town he grew up in...
I swear he has bipolar disorder (either bipolar 1 or seasonal affective disorder), in addition to being a guy who can't deal with his problems, and he is just running away from the problems that he refused to deal with from like 6 or whatever years of living here.
He told me a few weeks ago that he was thinking about moving back there, and I was like, hm, I sometimes think of moving to a different part of the central valley to help my friends farm. Ok, more than sometimes.
But anyhow, he didn't apologize for throwing 5 years of friendship and comradeship down the toilet during like 7 months of working together on a project. Instead, he was like, "since I'm not really involved in anything here..." and he also, according to a source of mine, apparently hadn't really spoken to his housemates in months (?!).
I think it is funny that he moved back there, since he has had such a paternalistic way of speaking to and about the folks who do political work in his hometown now. It will be interesting to see if they knock him down a peg or five. And to see how long it takes him to go nuts there- no critical mass, probably no rad veggie burritos (I could be wrong on this), lots of junk food and TV everywhere, no anarchists- just some progressives and a bunch of people who probably voted for Bush...anyhow, all those times he would talk about his hometown, I would think to myself, "You can never go back."
Being on anti-depressants such as Zoloft, the one that I am on, pisses me off- all these memories that I either never wanted to think of again or didn't need to think of come back. Yesterday I met my new psychiatrist, who doesn't think anything special is wrong with me: "you're sad, but I don't think you have a major depression," and "did you exhibit ADHD symptoms as a child?" and somehow I started talking about college and how awful that had been, between being practically the only goy there (I went to 4 years of catholic school, which was utter hell, and then I went to 4 years of a jewish university) and being working class, and how my favorite professor left the school the year he should have been my advisor for my senior thesis, so I didn't write a thesis, etc, etc. I think she was trying to do what everyone tries to do- figure out what the hell I can possibly do with my degree.
But I am past that stage, I am past applying (begging) for jobs that I don't want in toxic buildings that are hard to get to and are filled with jerks, and where I would have to do work that is bad for my body. I am past caring about that shit. I just want to stay home, take care of my shit, grow plants and chickens, have energy and the mental ability to clean my house, organize my shit, see my friends, have some lovers, raise and homeschool some kids of "my own" (god, there's that ownership mentality), find some rad anarchists to organize with, and be happier. Or I want to find a rich partner who will make it so I don't have to work.
Back to CM- I wish he had apologized to me. But I wasn't about to chase after him to beg him to say he's sorry and that he is working on his shit. I wish a lot of things. I have this whole fantasy where he does say he's sorry, we hook up, he can deal with polyamory and love me and be loved back, he quits smoking, and he's good in bed. Stuff like that.
You can never go back. Everything is changing so fast- my friends and comrades are all moving on or moving away, I am increasingly disabled, I am out of touch with my friends, I am turning 30, I have no fucking money, even less than ever before...
Is my life moving forward, or backward?
email me at haydees@gmail.com- wonder if I still have the password to that account.
Oh, my god, I can't believe that CM (or, his nom de plume, U) moved back to the central valley town he grew up in...
I swear he has bipolar disorder (either bipolar 1 or seasonal affective disorder), in addition to being a guy who can't deal with his problems, and he is just running away from the problems that he refused to deal with from like 6 or whatever years of living here.
He told me a few weeks ago that he was thinking about moving back there, and I was like, hm, I sometimes think of moving to a different part of the central valley to help my friends farm. Ok, more than sometimes.
But anyhow, he didn't apologize for throwing 5 years of friendship and comradeship down the toilet during like 7 months of working together on a project. Instead, he was like, "since I'm not really involved in anything here..." and he also, according to a source of mine, apparently hadn't really spoken to his housemates in months (?!).
I think it is funny that he moved back there, since he has had such a paternalistic way of speaking to and about the folks who do political work in his hometown now. It will be interesting to see if they knock him down a peg or five. And to see how long it takes him to go nuts there- no critical mass, probably no rad veggie burritos (I could be wrong on this), lots of junk food and TV everywhere, no anarchists- just some progressives and a bunch of people who probably voted for Bush...anyhow, all those times he would talk about his hometown, I would think to myself, "You can never go back."
Being on anti-depressants such as Zoloft, the one that I am on, pisses me off- all these memories that I either never wanted to think of again or didn't need to think of come back. Yesterday I met my new psychiatrist, who doesn't think anything special is wrong with me: "you're sad, but I don't think you have a major depression," and "did you exhibit ADHD symptoms as a child?" and somehow I started talking about college and how awful that had been, between being practically the only goy there (I went to 4 years of catholic school, which was utter hell, and then I went to 4 years of a jewish university) and being working class, and how my favorite professor left the school the year he should have been my advisor for my senior thesis, so I didn't write a thesis, etc, etc. I think she was trying to do what everyone tries to do- figure out what the hell I can possibly do with my degree.
But I am past that stage, I am past applying (begging) for jobs that I don't want in toxic buildings that are hard to get to and are filled with jerks, and where I would have to do work that is bad for my body. I am past caring about that shit. I just want to stay home, take care of my shit, grow plants and chickens, have energy and the mental ability to clean my house, organize my shit, see my friends, have some lovers, raise and homeschool some kids of "my own" (god, there's that ownership mentality), find some rad anarchists to organize with, and be happier. Or I want to find a rich partner who will make it so I don't have to work.
Back to CM- I wish he had apologized to me. But I wasn't about to chase after him to beg him to say he's sorry and that he is working on his shit. I wish a lot of things. I have this whole fantasy where he does say he's sorry, we hook up, he can deal with polyamory and love me and be loved back, he quits smoking, and he's good in bed. Stuff like that.
You can never go back. Everything is changing so fast- my friends and comrades are all moving on or moving away, I am increasingly disabled, I am out of touch with my friends, I am turning 30, I have no fucking money, even less than ever before...
Is my life moving forward, or backward?
email me at haydees@gmail.com- wonder if I still have the password to that account.
