Tuesday, July 20, 2004
AGH! It was about 9:00 tonight when the phone rang. Silly me, I didn't look at the caller id. It was T. He had read the email from the post just below this one yesterday and had decided that he would call me.
It had been what, a month? 4 weeks, was it?
So he said that he had been very busy during the last month, what with working, going camping with mutal friends "well, it was a NEED trip, plus me...and Peter, since we are housemates." (he is not in NEED) I am like, wtf, you couldn't invite me, too? Grrr. He blames his need to work on how I interrupted him selling patches at the convergence space (he would not have made that much money!) . At different points in the month when I have told people that he wasn't talking to me, they have said things like, "hm, that's weird, he is coming over to my house later to watch a movie." !!! At another point in this phone conversation, he said that he didn't have any emotional energy for me because I had drained so much during the convergence. I explained to him that I thought we had dealt with this at mediation and that maybe he should read Jon Kabat Zinn, who writes about things like the concept of letting go (and moving on). I should email him the title of the book, it is Full Catastrophe Living. There, done. Yeah, so anyhow, he didn't have time or he didn't want to talk to me. And now since he got to his parents' house last Friday, calling me has been on his list. That's nice. I have been wondering why he didn't call me for a month, assuming he didn't want to talk to go out with me anymore, and he has a lot of priorities higher on his list than me? He doesn't have 5 minutes, or less, in a whole month, to call me and say he doesn't have time to talk?!
Ok.
So I point out yet again that we need to have the "what are we" talk that he has been avoiding for 3+ years. He says he hasn't been avoiding it for that long. Ok, maybe only 2.5. but we would have benefited from having it in September of 2001. And I say that we need to have that conversation with mediators. At some point I say that I don't think I can talk with him until we have that talk with the mediators. He says that he doesn't know how long he is staying at his parents', because it partly depends on whether or not he has a court date. (Kamala Harris, the new District Attorney in San Francisco sucks). So he is unwilling to plan in advance. He also talks about how hard it is to make plans with me. Yeah, things come up in my life because I am marginally employed, politically active, and often in shitty health. Accept it or move on. I am like, just pick a date, you talk to the mediators. He basically says no. He has to communicate with me, has to, or else I can't be involved with him, so I sort of said that a goal of mine for the mediation would be for him to figure out a way that he can communicate with me even when he doesn't want to, because that is an important need of mine. So the conversation ends with him saying, call me or I'll call you. But he is forgetting that I said that I don't want to talk to him until we have that talk about what we are.
At one point I said, whatever it is that we are, fuckbuddies or whatever, I still expect more communication than I have been getting. I have had fuckbuddies whom I saw rarely (though never, or rarely, so infrequently as once a month), and we would still call each other to check in. Same with friends.
So what way is there for us to relate in which it will be okay with me if he doesn't talk to me?
email me at haydees@gmail.com
It had been what, a month? 4 weeks, was it?
So he said that he had been very busy during the last month, what with working, going camping with mutal friends "well, it was a NEED trip, plus me...and Peter, since we are housemates." (he is not in NEED) I am like, wtf, you couldn't invite me, too? Grrr. He blames his need to work on how I interrupted him selling patches at the convergence space (he would not have made that much money!) . At different points in the month when I have told people that he wasn't talking to me, they have said things like, "hm, that's weird, he is coming over to my house later to watch a movie." !!! At another point in this phone conversation, he said that he didn't have any emotional energy for me because I had drained so much during the convergence. I explained to him that I thought we had dealt with this at mediation and that maybe he should read Jon Kabat Zinn, who writes about things like the concept of letting go (and moving on). I should email him the title of the book, it is Full Catastrophe Living. There, done. Yeah, so anyhow, he didn't have time or he didn't want to talk to me. And now since he got to his parents' house last Friday, calling me has been on his list. That's nice. I have been wondering why he didn't call me for a month, assuming he didn't want to talk to go out with me anymore, and he has a lot of priorities higher on his list than me? He doesn't have 5 minutes, or less, in a whole month, to call me and say he doesn't have time to talk?!
Ok.
So I point out yet again that we need to have the "what are we" talk that he has been avoiding for 3+ years. He says he hasn't been avoiding it for that long. Ok, maybe only 2.5. but we would have benefited from having it in September of 2001. And I say that we need to have that conversation with mediators. At some point I say that I don't think I can talk with him until we have that talk with the mediators. He says that he doesn't know how long he is staying at his parents', because it partly depends on whether or not he has a court date. (Kamala Harris, the new District Attorney in San Francisco sucks). So he is unwilling to plan in advance. He also talks about how hard it is to make plans with me. Yeah, things come up in my life because I am marginally employed, politically active, and often in shitty health. Accept it or move on. I am like, just pick a date, you talk to the mediators. He basically says no. He has to communicate with me, has to, or else I can't be involved with him, so I sort of said that a goal of mine for the mediation would be for him to figure out a way that he can communicate with me even when he doesn't want to, because that is an important need of mine. So the conversation ends with him saying, call me or I'll call you. But he is forgetting that I said that I don't want to talk to him until we have that talk about what we are.
At one point I said, whatever it is that we are, fuckbuddies or whatever, I still expect more communication than I have been getting. I have had fuckbuddies whom I saw rarely (though never, or rarely, so infrequently as once a month), and we would still call each other to check in. Same with friends.
So what way is there for us to relate in which it will be okay with me if he doesn't talk to me?
email me at haydees@gmail.com
