Friday, May 26, 2006
Hard times
I couldn't sleep last night, so I spent a few hours looking at depression websites. i smoked a fair bit of pot, and i think that it helped me to not freak out about being awake, and to sleep when i was ready to try (the last time). i think there is a problem with my pipe. i mean, it still works, but it's not quite right for the kind of pipe it is. there was a lot of smoke, and the metal around the bowl got really hot. but what the hell do i know about these things.
Hunny refused to go to the psych appt with me this morning. that really, really pissed me off. in the long term, it is probably not forgiveable. i didn't talk to him for most of the day. i did go thru one bag of old papers. got rid of...some. i also vaccuumed.
i told her that i felt like she was saying some of my problems from depression aren't physical, or aren't real. she said she thinks some things are symptoms of a personality disorder. i still don't have a therapist because i have really poor follow-thru. damn, the follow-thru thing was what i wanted to talk to her about.
i am going to go off the zoloft and get on wellbutrin sr (slow release), which is different from the wellbutrin i've been on. i tihnk this is the one i was on ~5 years ago, and i had too much energy. i could use some of that for a while, as long as i can also read books like i did with the zoloft. she just refuses to prescribe me stimulants.
i went to the gym for the first time in ~2 months (maybe i had gone once about 6 weeks ago) tonight (th). It was great. Dirty, lots of people coughing and/or grunting (I was getting ready to tell this one grunter to not take up so much space, but finally I finished my stretches and got out of that room). I did some cardio- 12 minute warmup, then a bathroom break which took forever because some assholes were taking forever), then 20 minutes of interval, and a 5 minute warmdown. i love me some elliptical. it said that my highest heart rate was like 177. i think that's off. after that nice little workout (very conscious of trying to not overdo it since i have all kinds of injuries again), i took a shower so i could go in the hottub, then the steam room, and then the sauna.
i was looking at recent pictures of me a few minutes ago, and DAMN, am i fat. i also weighed myself at the gym and it was 4 pounds more than yesterday morning at home. someone is off.
i was surfing craigslist's personals tonight and there is one woman who i should really write to. i think she would be rad, and we could have some *ahem* fun together. but since i am going thru all this shit right now, it's probably a bad idea for me to hook up with someone who doesn't already know me. then again, maybe a fling would be ok. there was a recent discussion in that personals section, which i missed, about if people want to hook up with women who are on meds or not. interesting. esp. since i had a sexual side effect from my meds (i think-- it's like most of the time i just can't have an orgasm, like a satisfying one where it's like, ok i am done. i also have no desire to beat off.)
zzzzzzzzzzz
email me at haydees@gmail.com
Hunny refused to go to the psych appt with me this morning. that really, really pissed me off. in the long term, it is probably not forgiveable. i didn't talk to him for most of the day. i did go thru one bag of old papers. got rid of...some. i also vaccuumed.
i told her that i felt like she was saying some of my problems from depression aren't physical, or aren't real. she said she thinks some things are symptoms of a personality disorder. i still don't have a therapist because i have really poor follow-thru. damn, the follow-thru thing was what i wanted to talk to her about.
i am going to go off the zoloft and get on wellbutrin sr (slow release), which is different from the wellbutrin i've been on. i tihnk this is the one i was on ~5 years ago, and i had too much energy. i could use some of that for a while, as long as i can also read books like i did with the zoloft. she just refuses to prescribe me stimulants.
i went to the gym for the first time in ~2 months (maybe i had gone once about 6 weeks ago) tonight (th). It was great. Dirty, lots of people coughing and/or grunting (I was getting ready to tell this one grunter to not take up so much space, but finally I finished my stretches and got out of that room). I did some cardio- 12 minute warmup, then a bathroom break which took forever because some assholes were taking forever), then 20 minutes of interval, and a 5 minute warmdown. i love me some elliptical. it said that my highest heart rate was like 177. i think that's off. after that nice little workout (very conscious of trying to not overdo it since i have all kinds of injuries again), i took a shower so i could go in the hottub, then the steam room, and then the sauna.
i was looking at recent pictures of me a few minutes ago, and DAMN, am i fat. i also weighed myself at the gym and it was 4 pounds more than yesterday morning at home. someone is off.
i was surfing craigslist's personals tonight and there is one woman who i should really write to. i think she would be rad, and we could have some *ahem* fun together. but since i am going thru all this shit right now, it's probably a bad idea for me to hook up with someone who doesn't already know me. then again, maybe a fling would be ok. there was a recent discussion in that personals section, which i missed, about if people want to hook up with women who are on meds or not. interesting. esp. since i had a sexual side effect from my meds (i think-- it's like most of the time i just can't have an orgasm, like a satisfying one where it's like, ok i am done. i also have no desire to beat off.)
zzzzzzzzzzz
email me at haydees@gmail.com
Thursday, May 25, 2006
i might go off my meds
i have a psychopharm appointment in a few hours. i am trying to get hunnybunch to go with me.
i think i am going to go off my meds. i don't think they have done me much good. i still want to die. but when i was doing petitions, i guess i was better, because i would think up ways to kill myself. that may be a sign of being better, but obviously it's not a step far enough in the right direction. i am lethargic, i forget things, i am sad, i still haven't gone back to the gym...
i'm so desperate that today i strongly considered getting a job (since i seem to have been better when i was working, but i was doing something i love- making a SHITLOAD of money!). fortunately for me, there aren't any jobs.
email me at haydees@gmail.com
i think i am going to go off my meds. i don't think they have done me much good. i still want to die. but when i was doing petitions, i guess i was better, because i would think up ways to kill myself. that may be a sign of being better, but obviously it's not a step far enough in the right direction. i am lethargic, i forget things, i am sad, i still haven't gone back to the gym...
i'm so desperate that today i strongly considered getting a job (since i seem to have been better when i was working, but i was doing something i love- making a SHITLOAD of money!). fortunately for me, there aren't any jobs.
email me at haydees@gmail.com
