Friday, August 05, 2005
Relationship troubles
Hunnybunch is getting worn out. He thinks I've been angrier the last couple of weeks (I don't think this is the case). An example is one time recently when we were out to eat (were we out with D. or someone?). This guy at another table was talking REALLY loud, and I was like, wtf! If he were a woman, everyone would be staring. Women aren't "allowed" to talk loudly in inappropriate situations. You know? He doesn't get it.
Anyhow, I am fucking angry. Everything sucks. Every time I step foot into a store, all the money I made that day disappears. For normal people that's not the worst thing, but what if you only work 3 days a week? Then, you're fucked! So I'm always freaking out about money, and my clients are moving away, and I tend to have various doctor's appointments a couple of days a week so I couldn't work everyday even if there were work...
Back to my mental health. At times like tonight, when he is upset because I criticized some work that he did today, he is just unable to deal with me. I'm like, then come to my psychologist appointment! Come to my psychiatrist appointment! Damn. And of course, he's like, I couldn't possibly, I'm too busy. I think it would help so much if he would come and tell people just how bad I really am when I don't have all my out-in-public walls. Or what I am like when the front door is open and the neighbors' fucking toxic chemicals are coming all the way down the hall into my room.
This week my psychologist was talking about some new condition that mental health providers are finding, that is like a collection of symptoms that make the person's condition unidentifiable. It was weird, she was describing CFIDS- what is that, Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome?- which I think is what I have. But what the hell, keep throwing anti-depressants down my throat so I can have 2 hours of being in a good mood everday. Not necessarily linked to having taken the medication.
I was trying to talk to the psychiatrist today about my anxiety and how the medication only takes the worst edge off, but then I have anxiety attacks more often. Just thinking about anxiety gives me an anxiety attack. And she kept saying, "So when you have these panic attacks..." This is just the kind of thing I keep talking about- I feel like she's not listening.
So say me and hunny were to break up. I'd be like out on the street! Or out on the farm with no water or electricity! I don't make enough money to pay my share of the rent anymore. Cleaning supplies are expensive, I always need bike part$$$, my cellphone and food bills are outrageous... I just have to keep my fingers crossed about my social security thing. Damn, if I don't get it I am going to be so fucking devastated.
At least I spent 3 hours at the gym today. That's right, 3!
email me at haydees@gmail.com
Anyhow, I am fucking angry. Everything sucks. Every time I step foot into a store, all the money I made that day disappears. For normal people that's not the worst thing, but what if you only work 3 days a week? Then, you're fucked! So I'm always freaking out about money, and my clients are moving away, and I tend to have various doctor's appointments a couple of days a week so I couldn't work everyday even if there were work...
Back to my mental health. At times like tonight, when he is upset because I criticized some work that he did today, he is just unable to deal with me. I'm like, then come to my psychologist appointment! Come to my psychiatrist appointment! Damn. And of course, he's like, I couldn't possibly, I'm too busy. I think it would help so much if he would come and tell people just how bad I really am when I don't have all my out-in-public walls. Or what I am like when the front door is open and the neighbors' fucking toxic chemicals are coming all the way down the hall into my room.
This week my psychologist was talking about some new condition that mental health providers are finding, that is like a collection of symptoms that make the person's condition unidentifiable. It was weird, she was describing CFIDS- what is that, Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome?- which I think is what I have. But what the hell, keep throwing anti-depressants down my throat so I can have 2 hours of being in a good mood everday. Not necessarily linked to having taken the medication.
I was trying to talk to the psychiatrist today about my anxiety and how the medication only takes the worst edge off, but then I have anxiety attacks more often. Just thinking about anxiety gives me an anxiety attack. And she kept saying, "So when you have these panic attacks..." This is just the kind of thing I keep talking about- I feel like she's not listening.
So say me and hunny were to break up. I'd be like out on the street! Or out on the farm with no water or electricity! I don't make enough money to pay my share of the rent anymore. Cleaning supplies are expensive, I always need bike part$$$, my cellphone and food bills are outrageous... I just have to keep my fingers crossed about my social security thing. Damn, if I don't get it I am going to be so fucking devastated.
At least I spent 3 hours at the gym today. That's right, 3!
email me at haydees@gmail.com
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