Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Really, this had better be the last time in my life that I am EVER this depressed. I can't take it much longer. And I am getting worse. I have a real appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow (today). I looked up a little bit about Zoloft and part of the problem with it might be that I am taking the lowest possible "effective" dose, and since I am so fat I might need to be taking more.
Late last night I read a Craig's List post by one of these people who think that all anti-depressants are a scam by the corporations. They listed 10 drugs that make people more depressed (saying that this was from an FDA finding, but I could not find a source for this). I have been on 8 of them. Nice, huh?
I would like to jump on that anti-corporate bandwagon, but the fact is that I think I need medication to fix my brain. I am moody like my mother is, and maybe she got it from her father. I have cousins who have ADD and addictions and other issues (2 were in the military for a while). If exercise helped my brain, I would have been able to go to the gym today (I had a good workout yesterday, but I spent 4 hours in bed this afternoon/evening). It is a fact that people's diets are not as healthful as they once were. There are things that we need that we don't get in modern diets. There are inputs into soil where food is grown that are missing. I eat tons of junk food in addition to my lovely ovo-vegetarian diet, and maybe not enough eggs.
I'm so sad. I think some of it is situational. I was telling my workmate today about the problems that I have experienced with the people who founded the garden, and how near the end of yesterday's brief, small meeting, J sucked down a ton of Rescue Remedy cuz she couldn't deal with my negativity (haha!), and I realized, I really do need to let that project go. It's not good to work on a project that I feel so negative about.
I feel negative about the website, too (mostly organizational), but most days I can work independently and produce the kind of stuff that I can be proud of.
Yesterday was MayDay. It is probably my favorite holiday out of the whole year. But I come from an alcoholic's family, so I don't do well with holidays. Yesterday was a beautiful day, and when it got to be time to go to the city and take pictures and cover labor protests for International Workers' Day, I realized that I couldn't go. Partly because I would be doing something for someone else (covering the protest for Indymedia), not for me. I missed the totally rad Reclaim MayDay demonstrations and RTSes that we used to organize. I missed my friends from RTS. I didn't want to go to the demos just to go- I wanted to go and have a good time and like the way the protest was organized. I wonder if I am only capable of doing that when I organize the protest. Or when friends of mine have organized it. So at the time when I was supposed to go, I sat on the couch next to hunnybunch, almost fell asleep, and then went into my room...to cry all afternoon. Good thing I'm on an anti-depressant, huh? I was eventually able to get up and go to the gym. I had missed 4 or 5 days since the last time I had gone.
So I wonder if the worsening of my depression is in part due to the approaching 30th birthday, or if it is in part due to my hating my life situation (the boyfriend is great but there are certain things around the house that he cannot learn to do, I don't want to live on a busy street like this, I want to grow more food than I am, etc etc etc), or if it is just where my body and brain are at.
email me at haydees@gmail.com
Late last night I read a Craig's List post by one of these people who think that all anti-depressants are a scam by the corporations. They listed 10 drugs that make people more depressed (saying that this was from an FDA finding, but I could not find a source for this). I have been on 8 of them. Nice, huh?
I would like to jump on that anti-corporate bandwagon, but the fact is that I think I need medication to fix my brain. I am moody like my mother is, and maybe she got it from her father. I have cousins who have ADD and addictions and other issues (2 were in the military for a while). If exercise helped my brain, I would have been able to go to the gym today (I had a good workout yesterday, but I spent 4 hours in bed this afternoon/evening). It is a fact that people's diets are not as healthful as they once were. There are things that we need that we don't get in modern diets. There are inputs into soil where food is grown that are missing. I eat tons of junk food in addition to my lovely ovo-vegetarian diet, and maybe not enough eggs.
I'm so sad. I think some of it is situational. I was telling my workmate today about the problems that I have experienced with the people who founded the garden, and how near the end of yesterday's brief, small meeting, J sucked down a ton of Rescue Remedy cuz she couldn't deal with my negativity (haha!), and I realized, I really do need to let that project go. It's not good to work on a project that I feel so negative about.
I feel negative about the website, too (mostly organizational), but most days I can work independently and produce the kind of stuff that I can be proud of.
Yesterday was MayDay. It is probably my favorite holiday out of the whole year. But I come from an alcoholic's family, so I don't do well with holidays. Yesterday was a beautiful day, and when it got to be time to go to the city and take pictures and cover labor protests for International Workers' Day, I realized that I couldn't go. Partly because I would be doing something for someone else (covering the protest for Indymedia), not for me. I missed the totally rad Reclaim MayDay demonstrations and RTSes that we used to organize. I missed my friends from RTS. I didn't want to go to the demos just to go- I wanted to go and have a good time and like the way the protest was organized. I wonder if I am only capable of doing that when I organize the protest. Or when friends of mine have organized it. So at the time when I was supposed to go, I sat on the couch next to hunnybunch, almost fell asleep, and then went into my room...to cry all afternoon. Good thing I'm on an anti-depressant, huh? I was eventually able to get up and go to the gym. I had missed 4 or 5 days since the last time I had gone.
So I wonder if the worsening of my depression is in part due to the approaching 30th birthday, or if it is in part due to my hating my life situation (the boyfriend is great but there are certain things around the house that he cannot learn to do, I don't want to live on a busy street like this, I want to grow more food than I am, etc etc etc), or if it is just where my body and brain are at.
email me at haydees@gmail.com
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