Friday, April 30, 2004
About that friendship that we had...
Every few years I seem to find a group of friends, with whom I seem to have so much fun and/or so much in common that I figure we'll be friends forever. When I was in high school, it was the private swim team I was on. When I was in college, it was the assortment of chemistry/computer science/gaming geeks I hung out with, and later the kids from the queer youth group. Then when I moved to the Bay Area it took me a few years to find a real place.
In 1997-98, I tended to make one close friend at a time- L from the queer youth group, who had to say hi to every single dog we saw as we walked thru the Castro, M/M, who looked so geeky and lost but I went right up to him and gave him a flyer at a demo (we talked politics and went to a queer youth group together for a while. He helped me start a coop house right next door to his all-lesbian house...I remember his birthday party and how all the Mills women were fondling his breasts. I knew he had some gender issues, so I wondered how he felt about that...now I can say I knew him when he was M (a "woman"). we live on opposite sides of the Bay, and he hardly even reminds me about the books he lent me 4 years ago)...P...I really miss him. He was one of the few Americans I remember meeting in the crowd in La Habana. It was so cool to see him again in San Francisco, and to work on political projects together. We used to go postering together, we were lovers for a while...then we grew apart. During the winter of 2002-2003 he started to go crazy. I thought he was just being his usual eccentric self (he said he slept weird hours cuz of work, but I think it was the paranoia), but by summertime it was clear that he was bonkers. I don't know what happened to him. He disappeared before I could get medical help for him.
I remember telling someone from a group in SF one time early in the year 2000, when I was subletting a room in an FNB coop-ish house, "I am ready to move to the East Bay." I had stayed in Berkeley with Jam for a couple of months in the summer of 2000, when I had been desperate to get out of the house next door to M cuz this one housemate was such a jerk and I was sharing a room with a woman who had hooked up with an ex-lover of mine (there were reasons why I had stopped sleeping with him! the grossest part is that he was P's roommate. hahaha, small world).... So Jam and I talked one night after a meeting and he was really serious about offering me a room at his place in Berzerkeley. He lent me a bike for a while, then a friend built me a bike, and boy did I huff and puff around the campus area... I sprained my wrist at one point, and the whole 30 minute walk to BART (I worked in San Francisco) was just obscene.
I was actually pretty excited to be moving back east the next year. I had really bonded with these people in organizing meetings in SF and protests in Seattle, and I wanted to live closer to them. In my downtown Oakland apartment, I hosted countless meetings and potlucks, and stored lots of props for demonstrations. I stayed in that apartment for two years, until I really, really wanted to live in a group house again. I lived like 3 miles from all my friends. But then when I moved to North Oakland, I felt more alienated. People who I had been through bad sex with and still stayed friends stopped talking to me. That particular person was one of those people I used to talk with 2-3 times a day, wtf! I was so hurt, esp. when I found out thirdhand what a lot of that had been about (pregnancy). Really, I cried for 3 days when I realized that he really didn't consider me to be a close enough friend to share that stuff with. I am actually a good listener. Sometimes, people who don't know me latch on to me and tell me their problems. But not this person.
Anyhow, there is another person from that scene. Jam, in fact. We used to be friends and we worked on this ongoing political project together. What ever happened to that friendship? Well, for one thing there was the valentine's day matchmaking party that our friends threw. There had been this giant flirtation that led up to that night. It took a lot of courage for me to write that mofo down as one of my crushes. And for two other friends of mine to write him down. Esp. since from the beginning of the night, he had been making out with one person whom none of us had ever met before! So we did end up having a date sometime later. A month or two, maybe? I forget how it happened. I guess we sort of committed to meeting at Critical Mass? Or maybe we just rode together the whole night, I was sort of supporting him since he was videoing. It was a traumatic ride- we came across this guy who had just ridden over a weird bump and smashed up all his front teeth. Ugh. Then we went to eat burritos and we went to a going away party for a famous activist. Then we went to the hottub. We stayed in the hottub for 3 hours. Very nice and intimate. But that was our only date. I remember how he told me about how twins ran in his family and he had told his uncle that he would have twins within a year and a half. Weird boy.
Hm, and then what happened? Same thing as happened with the other two women, basically. He stopped being my friend. My friend S. was more upset about this happening to her than I was about it happening to me. Every once in a while she would tell me a bitter story about how he called from out of the blue about having lunch, or he stopped over at her house, with or without a young woman who was clearly his flavor of the month.
So lately he has been getting a bit more involved in the community. I ran into him the other week when he was leaving a house down the block from me with two bikes. He said he had left one there from March 20th. Presumably but I doubt it last year? I pointed out to him that the people who live in that house are kind of like class enemies to a lot of our friends. He kind of laughed it off. Anyhow it seems clear to me that he must have a lover at that house. Why can't he come clear about these things? I don't think it's that he is trying to keep secrets. Cuz if he is, he is doing a damn bad job. He makes things obvious, rather than stating them. I guess that's kind of passive-aggressive?
Said Jam has invited people to his giant birthday bash, which is tomorrow night. It is at that house. I am really conflicted about whether or not to go. I would like to go to a fun party where we all drink a lot and make out (esp. me and pookie) but what are the chances of that ever happening again?
email me at haydees@gmail.com
Every few years I seem to find a group of friends, with whom I seem to have so much fun and/or so much in common that I figure we'll be friends forever. When I was in high school, it was the private swim team I was on. When I was in college, it was the assortment of chemistry/computer science/gaming geeks I hung out with, and later the kids from the queer youth group. Then when I moved to the Bay Area it took me a few years to find a real place.
In 1997-98, I tended to make one close friend at a time- L from the queer youth group, who had to say hi to every single dog we saw as we walked thru the Castro, M/M, who looked so geeky and lost but I went right up to him and gave him a flyer at a demo (we talked politics and went to a queer youth group together for a while. He helped me start a coop house right next door to his all-lesbian house...I remember his birthday party and how all the Mills women were fondling his breasts. I knew he had some gender issues, so I wondered how he felt about that...now I can say I knew him when he was M (a "woman"). we live on opposite sides of the Bay, and he hardly even reminds me about the books he lent me 4 years ago)...P...I really miss him. He was one of the few Americans I remember meeting in the crowd in La Habana. It was so cool to see him again in San Francisco, and to work on political projects together. We used to go postering together, we were lovers for a while...then we grew apart. During the winter of 2002-2003 he started to go crazy. I thought he was just being his usual eccentric self (he said he slept weird hours cuz of work, but I think it was the paranoia), but by summertime it was clear that he was bonkers. I don't know what happened to him. He disappeared before I could get medical help for him.
I remember telling someone from a group in SF one time early in the year 2000, when I was subletting a room in an FNB coop-ish house, "I am ready to move to the East Bay." I had stayed in Berkeley with Jam for a couple of months in the summer of 2000, when I had been desperate to get out of the house next door to M cuz this one housemate was such a jerk and I was sharing a room with a woman who had hooked up with an ex-lover of mine (there were reasons why I had stopped sleeping with him! the grossest part is that he was P's roommate. hahaha, small world).... So Jam and I talked one night after a meeting and he was really serious about offering me a room at his place in Berzerkeley. He lent me a bike for a while, then a friend built me a bike, and boy did I huff and puff around the campus area... I sprained my wrist at one point, and the whole 30 minute walk to BART (I worked in San Francisco) was just obscene.
I was actually pretty excited to be moving back east the next year. I had really bonded with these people in organizing meetings in SF and protests in Seattle, and I wanted to live closer to them. In my downtown Oakland apartment, I hosted countless meetings and potlucks, and stored lots of props for demonstrations. I stayed in that apartment for two years, until I really, really wanted to live in a group house again. I lived like 3 miles from all my friends. But then when I moved to North Oakland, I felt more alienated. People who I had been through bad sex with and still stayed friends stopped talking to me. That particular person was one of those people I used to talk with 2-3 times a day, wtf! I was so hurt, esp. when I found out thirdhand what a lot of that had been about (pregnancy). Really, I cried for 3 days when I realized that he really didn't consider me to be a close enough friend to share that stuff with. I am actually a good listener. Sometimes, people who don't know me latch on to me and tell me their problems. But not this person.
Anyhow, there is another person from that scene. Jam, in fact. We used to be friends and we worked on this ongoing political project together. What ever happened to that friendship? Well, for one thing there was the valentine's day matchmaking party that our friends threw. There had been this giant flirtation that led up to that night. It took a lot of courage for me to write that mofo down as one of my crushes. And for two other friends of mine to write him down. Esp. since from the beginning of the night, he had been making out with one person whom none of us had ever met before! So we did end up having a date sometime later. A month or two, maybe? I forget how it happened. I guess we sort of committed to meeting at Critical Mass? Or maybe we just rode together the whole night, I was sort of supporting him since he was videoing. It was a traumatic ride- we came across this guy who had just ridden over a weird bump and smashed up all his front teeth. Ugh. Then we went to eat burritos and we went to a going away party for a famous activist. Then we went to the hottub. We stayed in the hottub for 3 hours. Very nice and intimate. But that was our only date. I remember how he told me about how twins ran in his family and he had told his uncle that he would have twins within a year and a half. Weird boy.
Hm, and then what happened? Same thing as happened with the other two women, basically. He stopped being my friend. My friend S. was more upset about this happening to her than I was about it happening to me. Every once in a while she would tell me a bitter story about how he called from out of the blue about having lunch, or he stopped over at her house, with or without a young woman who was clearly his flavor of the month.
So lately he has been getting a bit more involved in the community. I ran into him the other week when he was leaving a house down the block from me with two bikes. He said he had left one there from March 20th. Presumably but I doubt it last year? I pointed out to him that the people who live in that house are kind of like class enemies to a lot of our friends. He kind of laughed it off. Anyhow it seems clear to me that he must have a lover at that house. Why can't he come clear about these things? I don't think it's that he is trying to keep secrets. Cuz if he is, he is doing a damn bad job. He makes things obvious, rather than stating them. I guess that's kind of passive-aggressive?
Said Jam has invited people to his giant birthday bash, which is tomorrow night. It is at that house. I am really conflicted about whether or not to go. I would like to go to a fun party where we all drink a lot and make out (esp. me and pookie) but what are the chances of that ever happening again?
email me at haydees@gmail.com
